Grand Central Sliced/Campagnolo:  First Test!....amazing

logo.jpg I am so excited to be the first cycling journalist to objectively evaluate the new Grand Central Sliced/Campagnolo. Grand Central Baking is not a name cyclists often associate with our beautiful sport, but if Grand Central wants to fly me to a foreign country for a product launch, I might be willing to change that. And I am here to tell you that the Sliced/Campagnolo is, in a word, amazing.

In a wildly innovative approach, Grand Central abandons current carbon fibre technology in favour of using hydrates of carbon atoms. These carbon-hydrates are similar to the cellulose fibre used in Calfee Bamboo frame bikes. Carbon-hydrates have the potential to be an even greater industry revolution and life-changing event than Nanotube technology. Why? Two reasons.

First, carbon-hydrate technology allows an amazingly light structure. Our test sample contains just 28 grams of fibre, and the Sliced/Campagnolo has a claimed weight of 794gr without pedals. That’s amazing in a sport where the governing sports body ruthlessly demands a 6.8 kilogram minimum weight for bicycles, forcing affluent masters-division riders to devise new ways to finance their midlife crisis with their kids’ college tuition.
slice%20weight.jpg

Secondly, and even more astounding, is the fact that carbon-hydrates can actually store energy that the rider can use while riding. This amazing process is called Catabolism, and though it’s an old concept, the UCI will soon be scrambling to regulate it. Another surprising facet of Grand Central’s carbon-hydrate technology is the absence of normal fatigue life limits. In fact, Grand Central assures me that the Sliced/Campagnolo will only get stiffer over time. Amazing!

The Sliced/Campagnolo can be made to order, according to consumer preferences, though there is no word at press time if Grand Central plans to release a Sliced with Shimano Dura Ace. Because I am powerful rider, I chose the sandwich construction where layers of the carbon-hydrate were bonded together with a substance derived from modified dairy product. The structure is then cured in an oven. Amazing!

How does the Grand Central Sliced/Campagnolo perform? It was a revelation. After a warm-up ride on my normal bike, I took the Sliced/Campagnolo out right around noon. Since I’m talking about carbon, I’m obligated, as per the Cambiago-Waterloo Protocol of 1994, to say the following:

I was amazed. It was laterally stiff, yet vertically compliant.

Incidentally, it is a myth that the Cambiago-Waterloo requires cycling journalists to state that the product cornered like it was on rails.. That phrase is merely unimaginative prose. Nonetheless, the Sliced/Campagnolo did impress. In all conditions where one would think the Sliced/Campagnolo would be a handful, you could drop it into a turn and it always stayed right on that curve. And absolutely no road vibration could be felt. Amazing!

The old world craftmanship in the Sliced/Campagnolo is readily apparent. One can easily imagine Fausto Coppi reaching for this one on a long road stage which means that you could be as good as Fausto Coppi if you had a Sliced/Campagnolo. How do I know? It’s not two decades of cycling or all those MSE courses. Nope, I am using good old fashion anecdotal evidence, common senseĀ, and a jpg that I downloaded off the internet. Amazing!

And now for some random gibberish: stiff, Lance, compliant, Mary, Kate, Hudson, fahrfugnugen, carbon, pro, extreme, power, optimal, compaction, low, void.

And in conclusion: Amazing.

I rest my case.

tool%20slice.jpg The Sliced/Campagnolo requires proprietary tools



1 Comments

I was at my job dealing, alternately, with the public and my boss’s undone tasks from 6:30 am to 5:15 pm today.

THIS made me laugh.  Well done!

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